I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
