I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Randomize
