fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
