don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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