My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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