When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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