I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
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