Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
