i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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