Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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