The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
