I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
