what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
