what day is it and did you see me today?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Four minutes until I can fart!
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
