Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize