If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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