"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
