You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
