I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize