I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
