is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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