I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
