My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
