mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
