I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
