Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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