I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
