I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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