I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
