When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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