Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Randomize
