They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize