My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
