Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize