My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
