You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
