guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
