Don't make out with my wife yet
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
