I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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