Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
