I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
My liver just broke up with me...
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
