im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
