I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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