Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
