guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
