He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
