Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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