my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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