I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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