I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
