the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
The best revenge is premature balding
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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