My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
