Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
