Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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