arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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