wanna go halves on a baby?
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
