Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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