so that wasnt chicken after all
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Randomize
