Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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