I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
